


Cats are Liars, Sometimes, And Try To Sabotage Your Well-Constructed Plans to Woo a Man

by AgentAngeles



Category: Welcome to Night Vale, 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia
Genre: 13 but they're John Peters (you know the farmer?), All Might but vaguely portrayed as Old Woman Josie, M/M, cryptic one-eyed cat, neither of them actually play an important role but they're mentioned, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-02
Updated: 2019-05-02
Packaged: 2020-02-16 02:27:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18682267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgentAngeles/pseuds/AgentAngeles
Summary: It's times like these where Hizashi really regrets gushing over the Night Vale's newest resident to Cat. Granted, Shouta can't be that dense when the radio host is calling him gorgeous every 30 seconds when he's live, but the fact that he's being betrayed by his pet in his own home, where Shouta could easily know what's being said about him? It's stressful, okay?(credit to gayzashi on tumblr, his BNHA/WTNV au gave me life and I really just needed to flesh this out a bit more)((also, as an aside, this was spilled out over the course of 2 work shifts in 24 hours, so it's not at all refined and typos are likely. I'll come back to it later and fix those))





	Cats are Liars, Sometimes, And Try To Sabotage Your Well-Constructed Plans to Woo a Man

If there’s one thing Hizashi is, he’s persistent. He was persistent about attending UA as a teenager. He was persistent about the radio internship he started so many years ago. He’s still persistent, even at the age of… thirty? Is he really the big three-zero? Well, time is wacky, maybe he is, maybe he isn’t. When has time ever made sense? Certainly not in Night Vale, but that’s a normal thing everywhere.

 

The point is is that Hizashi doesn’t give up. This does not change, has not changed, and especially will not change. Even in his unsuccessful efforts in the past months to become friends with “Gorgeous Shouta”, the mysterious teacher at UA with the tired eyes and calm voice, he still finds himself hellbent on his mission. Regardless of how he feels about the man, the flutter his heart makes when dark eyes glance at him from across the supermarket, undeterred by the large projections of light that insist you eat at Big Rico’s Pizza instead of cooking tonight, he’s deadset on making Shouta his friend.

Hizashi doesn’t have too many friends that he actively talks too, he supposes. There’s Thirteen- you know, the space teacher- who occasionally manages to get words of advice through the thick pane of glass on their suit. Old Man Toshinori, who insists that villains are real, even though the World Government has insisted they _aren’t, please stop lying to the people, there are no such things as villains_ , even is a good person to talk to!

Hands down, however, the best person to talk to is the hairless cat who used to live in the radio station’s bathroom. It doesn’t have a name, or maybe it does but no one knows it; Hizashi just calls it Cat, and that’s all there is to it. Cat is rather large for a cat, but Hizashi thinks this may just be a result of his spines being non-toxic. No pet is perfect, after all.

 

Cat speaks exclusively in morse code, which can be a bit difficult at times when Hizashi’s having a particularly bad hearing day. Cat also likes to talk about vague futures of questionable validity, and has a penchant for scamming salmon out of locals who think that they can avoid the bi-monthly mandated zodiac horoscopes by asking Cat instead. Most importantly, though, Cat is there to listen to Hizashi ramble about Shouta, has probably heard every soft sigh and daydream. Hizashi isn’t sure if Cat has _seen_ them all, given that it only has one eye and often does not look people directly in their physical faces, but nevertheless Cat does listen.

 

He isn’t sure how Cat gets brought up anyways, but on one of Hizashi’s many escapades to Shouta’s office in UA, where he drapes himself over the brown suede couch that is sometimes leather and sometimes not anything, Cat does get mentioned. Shouta, who, up until now has never really reacted to Hizashi’s conversation skills with more than a noncommittal grunt or tired nod, whips his head around to look at the blonde, eyes only briefly darting down to the man’s tattoos before his face; progress!

“You have a cat?”

“Yeah, do you want to come over and meet it? Cat’s usually pretty friendly on Tuesdays!”

Shouta nods, energized, and Hizashi feels his heart jump into his throat. He tries not to stare too much as Shouta takes classwork, places it into a manilla folder, and then places it in his briefcase (one that doesn’t have any way to summon any bloodstone runic devices, which is a shame in and of itself) before standing, looking expectantly at Hizashi. The blonde rips himself out of the daydream he’s stumbled into and offers his arm. Shouta doesn’t take it. Hizashi does not mind this and walks out of the office, leading Shouta to his house. The journey there is filled with pleasant conversation, the kind that Shouta actually responds to. The kind of conversations where someone explains a large piece of machinery that plays an important part in making radio waves actually _work_ , and the other person goes “Wow, okay, that’s _interesting,”_ and you can tell they don’t understand it but they’re trying to be polite and not just offer monosyllabic words in response. It’s a good conversation.

 

Cat is, in fact, friendly on this Tuesday. Yesterday, the Tuesday that was rescheduled since last week had a scheduling error, it was a bit cranky, but things seem to have settled down. Hizashi _knows_ that Cat is feeling good, because when he announces his presence at home to his door and waits for the Secret Police’s vans to confirm his identity and allow him inside, Cat does not immediately talk about future where Hizashi is swarmed with desert roaches.

For once, Shouta does not question Cat’s existence, like he does with everything else in Night Vale. He stands his ground for a second, looking over Cat, and then moves into Hizashi’s living room, sitting down in one of the old armchairs and patting his lap welcomingly, trying to convince Cat to jump up and sit. Hizashi watches, just outside the edge of Shouta’s aura, the town almost clear enough for him to view at once, and just waits. Holds his breath as Cat inspects the room before leaping onto Shouta’s lap in an impressive display of feline prowess, skillfully managing to avoid impaling the teacher with some of his larger spinal quills. Cat takes a minute to adjust himself, but he manages to curl into the man’s lap and purrs, a loud rumbling not dissimilar to an old truck sputtering along an empty highway.

Hizashi can barely make out the soft coo’s and baby talk from Shouta, who is affectionately scratching Cat’s chin, posture relaxed and not at all stiff like it usually is, and it makes his heart beat fast again. He makes his way into the living room, back into the field of Shouta where the town fades into the background, and enjoys the feeling of having the man in his home, in a comfortable and neutral environment free from meddling.

 

_Oh, now this one is absolutely perfect. I think I’ll adopt him instead of you._

 

Hizashi almost chokes. Cat is staring at him, one eye glinting mischievously as it stares him down, a silent challenge. The blonde glances to Shouta, and almost sighs in relief that the man seems unaffected by the cat’s speech. If he can’t speak morse code, then that’s a relief.

 

“ _Please don’t do this right now_ ,” Hizashi taps back, and if cats could grin or even have enough working lip muscles to bring their mouths into a vague approximation of a grin, then Cat would be doing just that.

 

_I understand why you like him. He’s quite handsome._

 

Hizashi tries not to turn too red as he attempts in vain to ignore Cat, who moves from gentle teasing over his crush to downright ruthless commentary about it.

_It wouldn’t be too hard to ask him to come over after work tomorrow, ask him to stay the night. Maybe tell him some of the stuff you rave to me about, hand him your heart on a silver platter while in bed. Confess your undying love for the guy in gentle moonbeams._

 

“Hizashi, are you okay?”

 

Speaking of crushes, Shouta is now looking at him, a bit concerned.

“Uh, yeah, of-totally, yeah, definitely fine! What, uh, why? What’s up?”

Shouta quirks an eyebrow, which while terrifying is still beautiful on his face. Hizashi internally curses over the way his words scramble out of his mouth in a desperate attempt to confess his still-blooming love for Shouta.

“Your leg, it’s bouncing. Am I making you uncomfortable? Should I leave?”

Hizashi looks down and sees the steady beat his heel makes in time with the floor, forcefully puts a hand down on his knee as he looks back up at Shouta and laughs awkwardly.

“No, you’re fine, absolutely just great! It’s super casual, totally normal, yeah, just kinda don’t, uh, don’t worry about it!”

“If you’re sure about it.”

 

Shouta doesn’t comment on the double stutter. Hizashi is thankful; he doesn’t know how to explain it otherwise. There’s nothing greater to kill the mood than telling the guy you’re into about how your cat is trying to expose you for being in love with him. As Shouta looks back down to Cat and continues talking to the beast- who now has closed its one eye peacefully-, Hizashi resolves to maintain composure while the teacher is here.

He thinks he manages just fine for the additional 5 hours that Shouta is at his house.

 

* * *

 

 

Hizashi is an adult man, who can deal with his stress rationally. He’s gone to therapy, he knows how to compartmentalize issues, and he’s rather good at making calm and collected decisions so as to not be petty.

“Listeners, if you’ve been listening to the show for any length of time, then it should be obvious that I like to plan my steps accordingly. It’s in my nature, after all. However, it is very hard to plan things when the one-eyed Cat that lives with me enjoys making me suffer, and it’s killing me!”

 

Okay, so _maybe_ Hizashi isn’t _always_ a proper adult. Being petty is sometimes much easier than working through it.

 

“I mean, seriously! I can’t sit down and have a nice conversation with another adult human being without Cat showing up and trying to blab lies and slander about me! The betrayl! And here I though we had something special! A complex, emotional bond! Only to be slandered against when I was in the midst of entertaining! Which, speaking of, I’m sure you all were very excited to hear how my impromptu hang out with Shouta went! We all know sweet, handsome Shouta, who is the newest teacher at UA. The one with the stubble, and the large grey scarf he wears always, even in the heat of summer, yes _that_ one, the exact same one that he buries his face in sometimes when he’s particularly cold. Yes, that very Shouta was at _my_ house yesterday, and guess what? Listeners, it was fantastic! He came over, he sat in my living room, we had an actual conversation where he would say things, and then I would say things back, and then he would respond, and so on and so forth! Gah, it was _lovely_ . We got to hang out for _hours_! Someone said time flies by when you’re having fun, and while that person was massively uninformed, since we all know that time is a construct used to oppress us that was put into place by the lizard people, I can understand that sentiment! It felt like only a short time before the moon was high in the sky, and the secret second moon was creeping through the neighborhood, and then I was walking Shouta back to his house!

“Listeners, I’m getting told from station management that while my date- it’s not a date, Station Management, it’s just to adult men hanging out in one man’s living room regardless of chemistry- is fascinating, we do have community updates to read! Let me take you over to those right now!”

 

Hizashi chatters away about the community updates, the happenings of town, even an ad for the local Lowes Hardware. Great time is being made today, he decides, as stretches in his seat, the pre-recorded weather playing for the people of Night Vale so he can have a breather. It gives him time to eat lunch, and also just enough time to check his phone. Nothing out of the ordinary, although there is a new message from Shouta that asks if he can come over again to pet Cat. Hizashi sends over a “sounds great! I’ll pick you up after I finish the show today”, followed by a string of intricate emojis and a few hearts, and considers his job done on that front.

 

_Oh? Who are you texting, radiostar? Is it the scruffy man you had over not too long ago? Shouta, right?_

 

Hizashi nods, lowers his hand down as Cat enters the room and rubs against him, purring.

_Is he coming over?_

Another nod.

“Yeah, he wants to see you, and also probably hang out some more.”

_Interesting._

Cat says nothing more after that. Hizashi doesn’t pay it mind; if Cat wants to be cryptic then it can, by all means, be cryptic. Weather now reported (it was, after all, a short report), Hizashi starts his usual closing segments. The same general reporting on whatever current event has seemingly been the most interesting for the day, followed by a break in the story, and then finishing the actual story, whether or not the story wants to be finished. It’s such a repetitive cycle, comforting in some strange way, which is the perfect chance for Hizashi to slip into his own mind as he speaks. He’s so caught up in his thoughts that he almost misses the steady taps from Cat, who’s looking at him expectantly.

 

_I know you’re reporting the news, but it’s so obvious that you’re thinking about Shouta. I can see the soft dopey grin from here._

 

“Listeners, I hate to interrupt this ending, but I’d like to remind everyone that the one-eyed cat is not to be trusted. It betrays people by discussing their innermost private musings, and is all in all rude and unpleasant,” Hizashi announces. There’s no real meat behind his insults, only enough to sound convincing.

 

_Oh please, it’s not like I’m not saying what everyone else already knows. It’s so very obvious how much you’re in love with him._

 

“Oh, wow, listeners, I’ve just looked at the clock I definitely own on my desk here in the booth, and it says we’re out of time!” Hizashi interrupts, in a desperate attempt to cut Cat off before he can say too much. Does Shouta listen to the radio? It’s possible.

Regardless of this, Hizashi does push Cat off of his desk, the latter of whom falls onto the floor with a graceless _thump_ . There’s a noise like knuckles popping; Cat has the audacity to be _laughing_ at Hizashi’s mortification.

“Oh, what a completely coincidental happenstance that no one could have predicted that is, in no way, connected to the terrible _lies_ and _slander_ being spewed by Cat, who once again should _never be trusted_ , because it _is a liar_.”

_Is it lying? Not really, you just don’t want to put a leg out there because you’re worried of being rejected._

“Tune in next for the sound of rushed speaking in a hospital waiting room, followed by the screeching of a gurney, and the sudden slam of a candy bar in the vending machine next to you. Goodnight, Night Vale. Goodnight.”

 

Hizashi presses his hand down on the OFF AIR button and looks to Cat, viridian eyes narrowed with anger and a bit of hurt.

“Did you really have to announce that on air?”

_It’s nothing that is a surprise to anyone, Hizashi. You’ll be fine, it’ll all work out, I’m sure of it._

“I don’t believe you.”

_That’s your problem, then._

 

And yet, as Hizashi shrugs on his leather jacket, pushes his radio glasses back up onto his face, he almost feels like maybe Cat is telling the truth. By the time he’s pulled up in front of UA, where Shouta is cradling a few stacks of paperwork and offering the smallest, most genuine smile Hizashi’s ever seen as he get in the passenger seat, he’s almost hopeful.

  


* * *

 

 

Some amount of time later, much later, after things have changed and moved and people have grown, Hizashi reminisces about these early days of his pining out loud as he chops carrots for the newest soup recipe he found online. Shouta is sitting on a counter, in a white tank shirt and pink sweatpants, hair tied into a messy bun, listening intently as Cat rests its head on his lap. Hizashi looks at the pair fondly, and finds himself content. Not even the scar underneath Shouta’s eye, which has only just now faded from its original angry red into a more natural skin color, can stop the grin that grows on his face (although it does make him angry, which helps no one).

“I thought you were so strange, you know,” Shouta admits softly.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. You were such an enigma of a man, a cool personality on air and such an interesting puzzle off of it. One minute you were smooth, and the next you were tripping over your words.”

“I mean, you have that effect on me. No one’s made me quite as uncomposed as you have.”

“It definitely had nothing to do with how much Cat teased you for liking me, then?”

 

Hizashi almost drops his bowl of chopped veggies as he faces Shouta, horrified.

“You knew?!”

Shouta shrugs, hand stilling over Cat’s head as he nods slowly.

“Yeah, I’ve been able to understand Cat since the beginning. I’ll be honest, I thought it was just a joke thing, but then Cat never let up on it, and you kept talking about me on the radio, and by the time it clicked that you were serious about the whole thing, it was actually kind of sweet that you were nervous about telling me, so I just pretended I didn’t know what Cat was saying.”

Hizashi glares at Cat, who’s eyes remain closed.

_I don’t know why there’s so much hostility towards me. Did I not say it would all work out? If anything, I helped._

Shouta barks out a laugh, shimmies out from underneath Cat’s head as he scoots off of the counter, hands resting gently on Hizashi’s shoulders.

“Regardless of how many times I heard Cat talk about your crush on me, or how many times you said I was handsome on the radio, or how it was a little creepy how deadset you were on befriending me, I wouldn’t change a single moment of it if it meant I couldn’t be right here, with you.”

“That’s… really _gay,_ Shouta.”

Hizashi can’t help but smirk as Shouta rolls his eyes, gives the blond a shove as he walks back to the counter.

“If you want to make jokes when I’m trying to be heartfelt, then that’s fine.”  
“No, _Shouta_ , please come back, I won’t make anymore jokes.”

Shouta grumbles, not actually upset, and shuffles back over to Hizashi in mock-reluctance. Hizashi’s beaming now as he looks at the man in front of him.

“I’m sorry, it was too good an opportunity to pass up.”

“I know. I love you, even if you’re a dork.”

“I love you too, my gorgeous Shouta.”

 


End file.
